Who are your kids’ people?

The African saying, ‘It takes a village to raise a child’ is so true and may ring even more true as they get older. My son graduated from high school a few weeks ago and had a ceremony at church honoring seniors. Our church pews were filled with people who watched our family grow and mature over the last 15 years. My husband and I observed our son greet fellow parishioners with heartfelt gratitude as they wished him well and showered him with blessings on his next phase in life.

We watched him shake hands with a man who has been his mentor as a Dj, offering business and life-advice, taking him under his wing. We saw him embrace a woman who has been his biggest cheerleader, encouraging him to continue being involved in the young adult Greek community in Boston. He hugged our priest, sharing a special moment as he has worked side-by-side on the altar serving in faith for many years.

At some point in the adolescent years, our kids listen better to others. It’s a normal part of their development and I saw how it can visibly be a positive source of support, motivation, and confidence building. These adults inevitably helped shape his course in life, helped mold his identity, and were vital in his maturing into the young man he has become. It does make you, as parents, realize just how essential it is to surround your children with people you respect, admire, and trust. It is these people your teens and young adults will emulate…know these people, believe in these people, love these people for they will do the same for your children.❤︎

Celebrating the little moments

Yes, life has big moments that are to be celebrated. But there are many, many little moments in between. And somehow we forget that these little ones are really important. Cheers to pausing and noting all the little things in our lives that are so very essential to our happiness…

✹chosen friends that become family

✹backyard bbqs

✹a sunny day

✹impromptu cornhole tournament

✹dance party in the kitchen bc a good song came on

✹a beach day!

✹empty day on the calendar

✹long weekend

✹long-overdue catch-up phone call

✹family walk

✹unexpected visit

✹good book

✹new recipe that becomes a family favorite

✹surprise flower delivery

✹tiring workout

✹s’mores by the outdoor fireplace to end the night

✹watching birds make a nest under our deck

✹throwing a ball to our dog

✹smiling to a stranger and getting one back

✹saying a prayer and having it answered

✹taking time to do what you love

Young adulting…family style

The summer transition from independent, college student to at-home son or daughter, can take time to adjust to. Finding the rhythm of giving space, curfews, helping around the house, doing laundry as well as cooking and shopping for meals all takes time. There are new boundaries, varied expectations, and different roles to get comfortable in. It’s also a time to find new activities to do together. For our family, we got a family membership to a local gym. Now if this sounds like a win-win for everyone, it sure has been!

First of all, it’s an outing we all look forward to. One destination and typically one car–so that means great conversation time! Yet when we arrive at the gym, we all go our separate ways. My oldest is rehabbing from ACL and meniscus surgery so she follows her prescribed exercises. My middle loves tennis so he tries to join a round robin or a pickleball class. My husband heads straight for a cardio machine and I head to spin. It simply works! We’ve never been an ‘exercising family’ but this was a place for us to work on new skills, keeping healthy and getting stronger as a family as well as individually. And honestly, I’ve really enjoyed it!

This young adulthood phase during summer break is turning into a time for us to reconnect in a healthy way for all of us. Embracing how my older kids like to spend their time has given us a common focus, planned outings, and sore abs…oh, how I love my young adults! ❤︎

Come up with a list of new activities you can do with your young adults:

  • What do you enjoy doing in your spare time? Together and alone?
  • What’s fun to you as a family?
  • Where can you go together that’s a reasonable distance?
  • What can you each work on?
  • Where will you be excited to go?
  • How many days will you go together a week? For how many hours? Make a plan!

✺ Lauri is a certified life coach working with new grads on creating self-awareness and confidence in their unique selves navigating the space of young adulthood.

Fostering sibling connections as they get older

Our family life is changing. Our oldest is a freshman at college, our middle will be heading off to college in 5 months and our youngest is in middle school. Our home feels different with one less child and the siblings feel the change too. While I talk to my college daughter every day, the others don’t. The older two text often as they share news of mutual friends, upcoming concerts, or restaurant recommendations. However, the daily discourse is missing. Days can go by with typical busy routines and no one checks in. And the youngest misses out the most. It’s not that anyone is doing it on purpose; it’s simply that life can get hectic and it may not be a top priority…until it is!

I’d say my biggest accomplishment is my family. Not only do we really love one another but we truly like each other! We enjoy spending time, we respect our different personalities, acknowledge our strengths, support one another with our struggles, and have fun together. But this has taken time and effort. It is work to make a family strong and I want my kids to know this! And if they value these relationships, they need to work at them. Now’s the time for them to learn how to foster their own relationships with one another…making the time, putting in the calls, scheduling dinners, remembering special events, giving words of encouragement, being there to listen, sharing funny stories, and continuing to love.

I feel like I’ve guided them to this point but will try really hard to step back and watch this next phase of their sibling journey and pray it is uniquely strong, supportive, loving and fun. ♥︎

Siblings stepping up to serve as examples to one another

This is what causes me to get annoyed before school!
After seeing an older sibling’s room stay tidy, my youngest now starts her day like this!!

Nagging…who doesn’t get tired of hearing their own voices?

“Make your bed! Open your shades!!” I remind almost EVERY morning! I’ve tried multiple strategies, yet the beds don’t get made most days.

So today I tried something new….My middle was up and lounging on the couch for a few moments before he left for school. I happened to peek into his room and lo and behold the room was dark and the quilt and sheets were jumbled in a pile.

Instead of my usual rant, I calmly suggested, “Would you please set an example for your younger sister and get your room ready for the day?” Well, that boy let out a long, loud sigh but then he got right up and went to tidy his room. Siblings can be great teachers to one another and this was a way to use his positive influence. Because it is true…as a 17 year old young man, his 12 year old sister is looking to him to see what he does, how he talks, how he acts, what he prioritizes, when he does homework, when he’s on his phone, how he talks to his parents, if he puts his dishes in the dishwasher, how he does his chores, if he puts away his razor in the bathroom and if he makes his bed. He needs to realize that his actions are speaking loudly and influencing her at a very impressionable age as well. Wouldn’t you know, both beds were made, laundry was put away and shades were up!

Now let’s see how long this lasts…♥︎

Positive sibling influence can make your home a happier place for all!

Encourage your children to inspire one another with…

  • completing chores (without reminders is even better!!)
  • preparing for the day ahead (packing backpacks, lunchboxes)
  • starting homework after a snack or practice
  • keeping bedroom/bathroom organized
  • setting a timer to be on time for a sports practice or extracurriculur acitivities
  • choosing a nicer outfit for church
  • picking up the phone to call a grandparent

**Did you try this?? Share your stories with me at lauri@theessentialistfamily.com

Why are Acts of Kindness Shocking?

Over February vacation, I took two of my kids down to Florida to visit family as a last-minute trip. Truth be told, my Uncle is not doing well and I wanted to be sure we could spend a little time with him. On the flight down, my son was sitting in the row in front of me next to an older gentleman. They struck up conversation about this man’s time in the army and subsequent defense work for 56 years. At the end of the flight, the gentleman asked my son if he could retrieve his bags from the overhead compartment. My son proceeded to offer to carry the bags off the plane as it was obvious that walking was difficult. It took a few moments for the gentleman to get himself out of the row and wobble out of the aircraft. There were several grunts and sighs from the people behind us, suggesting it was taking way too long for their liking. The gentleman even responded that he was sorry and I commented that he did not need to rush and could take his time. (Note here that I had just started reading, The Let Them Theory, by Mel Robbins, on this very flight and I was going to Let Them complain, moan, and roll their eyes and I was not going to rush this older man one little bit.).

Once we got this man settled into his wheelchair with his belongings, we bid farewell with smiles and a warm feeling of simply helping someone. I only hope I am in good health when I’m his age and can travel, “for business” as he was still doing. A fellow passenger stopped me and said I should be proud of my son as he saw the entire situation unfold. “He gave me faith that there’s still kindness in this world.” I was actually a tad taken aback. What had my son done? Get bags down from the overhead? Help lug bags off a plane? Be a friendly face to a man sitting next to him? Be patient?

Have we become a society in which normal graces and common manners are exceptions? Is being helpful to strangers rare? Is friendliness now seen as an act of kindness? How did this happen?????

Yes, I am proud of my son. Not necessarily for that particular moment but for all the moments that led up to this where it has become part of his being that he is helpful, kind, considerate, patient, selfless, and loving. He did not have to think in this moment whether or not to assist an older man; he simply acted on instinct, and acted with love. As we raise our children or even reflect on our own actions as adults, let’s remember that simple manners do go a long way and kindness should be a way of simply being. ♥︎

Kiboshing trends

“Do not love the world or anything in the world.” -John 2:15

Enjoying a rare sighting of the Northern Lights from our home in New England.

I have two teenagers and a tween. Keeping them focused on what truly matters takes work. It’s a constant conversation about the newest iPhones, stylish clothes, trendy shows. Fortunately, I was never ‘hip’ when it came to that stuff. I always liked to go to bed early so never stayed up to watch the most talked about shows. My mom didn’t have money to splurge on popular clothing items so it wasn’t even an option. This carried me into adulthood with not wanting a lot of worldly items or staying current on pop culture. It just wasn’t important to me. Fast forward to parenthood and I have kids who hear about lots of things that I don’t find essential. But do they? Living by example hopefully encourages them to reflect on what’s truly vital in living a full, joyous life. What I do know for sure is that they value our family, our faith, serving others, helping one another, having fun a the beach, cooking together, constructing puzzles, taking hikes, and cuddling with our dog. And these are most worldly to me.

Fear not with love

“There is no fear in love.” -John 4:18

What a comforting thought for our children… where there is love, there can not be fear. When we raise our children with unconditional love, they learn to conquer worries, face tribulations, and solve problems all while remaining confident of our support. Yes, at times, we may get angry or disapprove of their decisions, but we still love them. And it is this simple love that carries them through the good and bad, the hurt and sorrow, the scary and painful.

Love is a verb

Husband & youngest daughter spending time together

This past Sunday at Church, our Deacon enlightened the children that love is a verb. Think about that for a minute…love is an action; it’s something you do, say, show. I couldn’t help but think what an important reminder for adults too. Imagine if we all showed affection more often, spoke kind words more than others, and did small acts of lovingkindness throughout our days. Treating love as an action to our children will encourage them to reciprocate it not only to the family but to those all around. Now that’s something to pass on…❤︎

5 Ways to Show Love to Your Kids

  • leave “Just Because I Love You” notes in lunchboxes, in sport bags, on bathroom mirrors, on pillows
  • give a hug & kiss, cuddle up, walk arm-in-arm,
  • say, “I love you!” “You mean SO much to me!” “I’m very lucky to have you!”
  • make their favorite meal, snack or dessert
  • plan one-on-one time together (neighborhood walk, bike ride, trip to the mall, ice cream outing, board game)

Worrying a little less

Rome, Italy

“Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself.” -Matthew 6:34

The phone rang in the early morning. Our daughter was studying in Rome and had fallen. She was being taken to the hospital. Ironically, my husband and I were planning to visit her that weekend so we headed to the airport unsure what we were flying into. Various scenarios played in my head; does she have surgery in Rome, do we fly her home, can she finish her semester? My steadfast, rational husband kept assuring me not to worry until we knew exactly what we were dealing with. Turns out, our daughter did need to have surgery back in the States and would not be able to finish her semester abroad. Her peace and positivity throughout this ordeal were admirable. Even in pain, she was able to make reasoned decisions, not lamenting over experiences lost, but appreciating the time she did have and focusing on what was in her control at each moment. She didn’t spend extra energy worrying about what could potentially happen next yet instead put her effort into the now.

It’s comforting to look at our growing children as they make important life lessons while showing their strength of character, all while worrying a little less.

Will You Forgive Me?

Taken by my oldest at sunrise at
Mayflower Beach on Cape Cod

One of the most powerful ways I have connected with my children is asking for their forgiveness. Will you forgive me? These four little words have deepened our relationships, fostered greater respect and heightened awareness of the importance of acknowledging when we make mistakes. Teaching my children to say, “I’m sorry” when they were younger was a critical first step in developing empathy and taking ownership of wrongdoing. However, as they got older, I found that they were quick to respond but wondered if they really meant it. Asking for forgiveness allows them to pause and reflect on what actually happened. It also gives a voice to the one who was wronged. There have been times when I was asked to forgive and with an open heart I shared, “Of course, but I need a moment.” Forgiving shows unconditional love but it also validifies the feeling of disappointment and the acceptable need to calmly regroup and move on. This entry is brief…Will you forgive me?❤︎

Everyday Inspiration in New England

Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.

-Isaiah 26:4

Scituate, MA

Do you want me to listen or give advice?

3 swans in Nantucket Sound

I like to talk things out. I’m an advice-giver. I am a problem-solver. I seek solutions. But sometimes my kids don’t appreciate these qualities. And they are exactly right! While these characteristics can be good, they are not always helpful. Raising teens is a whole new ball game in parenting. My role and strategies have evolved in this season of childrearing. One of the best tips I received was when my kids come to me about a troubling issue I ask, “Do you want me to listen or give advice?” This has worked wonders! In the past, I would tend to offer advice, since that’s my personality, and a teen would stomp off in frustration because that was not what she was looking for. While she didn’t know exactly what she wanted, it was not necessarily a cure. Listening has wound up being more helpful and what they need in many difficult situations. I undermined their coping skills by trying to fix the problems with my own perspective and my own solutions. I am not surprised to discover that they have amazing foresight, conflict resolution skills and simply good heads on their shoulders. What I find is they need an unbiased ear to listen, an unconditional hug to soothe, and a simple smile to assure them I’m always here. Sometimes my best advice is none at all.❤︎