I bet you’ve heard it takes 21 days to create a new habit. But did you know that it takes 90 days to make the new habit permanent? There are 90 days from Sept 25th to Christmas Eve. What a great time to create the new habit you’ve been thinking of or putting off. What have you been wanting to start with your family? One meal a day together? Family walks? Face Timing grandparents? Writing in a family gratitude journal? Giving thanks at meals? Think about one simple change you can all make or one activity you can add and commit the next 90 days to fulfilling it. Keep a calendar to mark off your family’s progress as you count down to 12/24. Celebrate small wins along the way such as creating a family cheer at week 1 or throwing confetti at week 4. Leave one another notes of encouragement along the way. Thank your family members for being positive, motivating and supportive. Days may be rough and you may skip a day or two. Don’t get discouraged. That’s when the power of family comes into play and you get through it together. Keep the end in mind and focus on strategies that help when the going gets tough! Make sure you celebrate big on Christmas Eve! This process will be a huge life lesson for your kids…creating positive change with loved ones by your side. And a new yearly tradition may have started too❤︎
What will your family take on in the next 90 days?
We are living in a helicopter parenting world. Parents hovering, making sure bad things don’t happen to their kids, choreographing every activity, curating playdates, and dismissing free-time as an important part of childhood. I have have found myself caught up in this protective cycle. But as my kids are getting older, I realize I need to prepare them for the real world…the one where I am not always around!! It doesn’t mean I will let them struggle alone, but instead by their side. I will struggle along with them providing coping skills, strategies and support so that when they fall, they get back up!
Our kids are going to face criticism, failure, and exclusion. It is hard to go through even as adults and even harder to watch our own children withstand less than ideal circumstances. But real life problems can be a positive. Walking the path of life together with our children allows us to use struggles as teachable moments. How can we best respond to being left off the JV Team? What can we do when we were excluded from a ‘best’ friends’ party? Where do we turn when a teacher keeps giving a B- even though you’re fulfilling all the boxes on the class rubric? These struggles provide opportunities for discussion, decision making, responding to emotions, asking for help, considering various options, and reflecting on what can be learned in these moments of disappointment.
How can I best prepare my teens for the impending real world? By letting them fall. While I’ll be by their sides for now, I hope they’ll soon be able to dust themselves off and get back up again all on their own!
Books to Read That Discuss the Importance of Struggle:
The Blessing of a B-, by Wendy Mogel
Parenting Toward the Kingdom, by Philip Mamalakis
I believe sharing experiences and learning new strategies are the ways we better ourselves as parents. If you think this blog will help other families on their journey of parenthood, please share the link. It takes a community to raise our kids and live simply happier.❤︎
Now that I’m in my mid40s, there are SO many things I wish I had done sooner! They say wisdom comes with age and I am definitely seeing that. Studies also show that woman are happier as they age. If anything, I see a confidence and contentment emerge that I didn’t necessarily have before. I had my first two children less than 1 1/2 years apart just when I hit 30. Life was busy and I was totally immersed in the toddler years then preschools years for what seemed like ages. Several of my friends had mini-vans and I was in awe of the space, all the cup holders, and automatic doors. Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to buy one. I had this “never” list in my head…never get a dog, never have more the 2 kids, and never, ever get a mini-van. Not sure how this mantra started but I stuck to it for years. Was I afraid to get older? What would happen if I altered this self-perception? Life was good with a Honda Accord, which turned into a Ford Explorer as we wanted more room. Life was incredible with two kids, but a yearning was there for more. Wouldn’t a dog be a great companion for our family even when I subconsciously knew I’d be the one letting it out, taking it on walks, scheduling vet and grooming appointments? Well, mid30s came and a third baby blessed our family. A few years later, our goldendoodle arrived. And yes, it’s true, I now happily and enthusiastically drive a min-van! What took me SO long?!! There’s so much space. And cup holders and storage galore. And a DVD to quiet those kids for the ‘are we there yet’ trips!! And as my son becomes a young man at 5ft 9in and growing, he has plenty of legroom anywhere he decides to sit. Seven high school sailors with lifejackets and gear off to a regatta? I’ll drive! (Which is awesome because I get to spend time with my teenagers and their friends since I can fit everyone…comfortably!) Oh, and the dog can spread out easily when I take out one of the middle seats-dog bed included! Essentially, it’s a mini-moving van that is going to come in real handy when packing up for college, which will be here before I know it. Now I’m not so sure I can live without the mini-van. I may never want to live without a mini-van as I have lived on the other side of the automatic doors. My new life mantra is, “Never Say Never” because some of life’s greatest blessings are the ones we never imagine. However, I will admit, when I am stopped in front of a store with mirrored glass and I catch a glimpse of a woman sitting in the driver’s seat, it still takes a second to realize it’s me. ❤︎
I believe sharing experiences and learning new strategies are the ways we better ourselves as parents. If you think this blog will help other families on their journey of parenthood, please share the link. It takes a community to raise our kids and live simply happier.❤︎
Take inventory…what’s on your coffee table? And by coffee table I mean the table that’s in your family room, the table in front of your TV where feet gently rest or the remote finds a home. Mine is usually stacked with magazines that want to be read, stylish hardcover books that collect dust and candles (because I do love candles!). But more recently, I cleared off the table…a clean slate. With school starting, I realized time together as a family is going to be at a premium. For our home, that means TV viewing goes down tremendously so that we can actually spend time with one another!! Hence, we don’t watch television Monday-Thursday. It’s been our rule since the kids were young simply because I was tired of arguing with them about how much they could watch (I’ll write a post about this soon!) But the coffee table is still a focal point in our family room without the TV being used. So, how could we better use it? Out came Bananagrams. Now I don’t know the real way to play Bananagrams, if there is one. We just put letter tiles out and make words. But we don’t clean them up! I found if we leave the words and letters on the table, the kids will sporadically pop over and sit to add words. Then comes another child with a parent and soon enough we are gathered by the coffee table. I then took a bowl of colorful pattern blocks and left them off to the side. Now creativity takes over and beautiful designs are created as we sit and chat together. Can your coffee table become your new family hub?
I believe sharing experiences and learning new strategies are the ways we better ourselves as parents. If you think this blog will help other families on their journey of parenthood, please share the link. It takes a community to raise our kids and live simply happier.❤︎
“Don’t worry that Children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.” (Robert Fulghum)
When you become a parent, you have little shadows. Inevitably, you have little ones following your every move and copying you. As your children get older, they may wander farther from your physical presence, but they are still always watching. With my teenagers, I have have found that I need to be more cognizant of my actions as they question what I ask of them instead of blindly following all that I say. For instance, ‘bad’ words have always been off-limits in our home. Now ‘bad’ words were not just curse words but included stupid, dumb and idiot. Now this wasn’t too hard to model because these words aren’t in our lexicon. I didn’t ban these from my children but then use them in my daily discourse. Instead, I consistently omitted them or replaced with another word (example: hate becomes intensely dislike).
It is not easy trying to make the right decision all the time. We tell our children how we want them to act, and what to say, but do we always do it ourselves? We are not perfect, nor should we be. Yet we can be more conscious. Think about the small moments throughout our days and they ways we carry ourselves, decisions we make, how we interact with others. This is what our children see and essentially how they learn to navigate their world. Maybe it’s time to pause a moment before responding to someone who cuts you off when driving or when an older person is struggling to put groceries in the trunk of her car. These are little moments that will shape your child’s understanding of what to do when they are in a similar situation.
Modeling educational standards is important too. Reading aloud to your child is encouraged by educators from essentially birth because it has such an incredibly positive effect on intellectual, academic, emotional, and social growth. As your children get older, promoting independent reading is just as crucial. But life gets busy and it’s hard to make sure it’s getting done. But what if as a family you have quiet reading time on school nights? From 8-8:30pm everyone grabs a book, magazine, or newspaper and simply reads! It can be done independently in separate bedrooms as a time to wind down before lights go out or collectively in the living room as family time. Either way, you are reading and they will see that you do value it because you are doing it!
We took our end of summer vacation to Hilton Head last week (which we absolutely LOVED!!). My older two know they should pack a book because to me, reading is a must on vacation! When we arrived at the airport, my kids quietly muttered that they forgot books. Not a big deal, I declared. They each have their own money that can use to purchase a new book at the airport bookstore. There was no complaining since they have come to understand that our family reads on vacation. They perused the selections and proudly purchased their new reading material. My oldest is not a reader by choice. She never has been and while I respect that it may not be her tendency, I value the importance of reading beyond academic books. She read her new book in 3 days and asked to go to the local bookstore to buy another one, which in fact turned into 2 new books because she couldn’t decide which she liked best. This was a first for her!! Would it have happened if my husband and I didn’t pack our own books and set the example of reading? All I know is, if you join us on vacation, pack a book!
School has started and kids are back in class. I’ve been getting very reflective lately as I have a junior and sophomore in high school. I feel like time is ticking…FAST…and there are things I was to accomplish as a parent. I believe my job is to guide these unique children to become the best versions of themselves as they leave my nest. What will I do with this time?
I was watching the news this morning and the reporter was discussing the need for teachers to monitor what students are eating during the school day. And honestly I was taken aback. Teachers are given more and more and more to do within the same timeframe. They are handed all academics, moral development, socio-emotional health, socialization, conflict resolution and now nutrition. But the reason I paused was not to necessarily defend teachers, but to wake-up parents. There are 168 hours in a week. Let’s estimate your child is in school eight hours a day…that’s 40 hours per week of mandated time out of the home. The other 128 hours is up to you! And that’s powerful!!
How do you fill your child’s time? How much sleep are they getting? Who watches your child for after school care? What exercise or sports are they engaged in? What meals and snacks are fueling their bodies? Who are they hanging out with? What are they viewing on screens or listening to in music? Do you make time for Church? Are you volunteering as a family? How much time is devoted to being together? Think hard and take inventory, but without blame or excuses. Acknowledge your reality and make changes if it’s not what you envision. Small changes lead to big results so start somewhere!
So my question to all of us parents is, “What are you doing for your children with 128 hours per week?”
‘Tis the time for back-to-school shopping! Stick me in a store brimming with brightly colored markers, stacks of post-it notes, fun folders and planners galore….I’m a very happy woman. As a former elementary teacher, this time of year is filled with promise, hope, and growth. But while parents are busy purchasing items off the class supply lists, let’s remember to stuff our kids’ backpacks’ with socio-emotional essentials as well.
Starting a new grade or school can be emotionally overwhelming. There are many changes in friends, schedules and routines, new teachers and personalities, coping with homework demands, and navigating teammates. Inevitably, emotions will be running the gamut and some days will be awesome and others downright terrible. So what can we teach our kids to help manage the good and the bad? Positivity, simply having an optimistic attitude!
“Positive thinking is a mental attitude that perceives situations in a constructive way. It does not mean ignoring the negative. Rather, a positive thinker acknowledges a situation and looks at it productively.”1 Making a mental switch is not always easy, but having a positive mindset lends to resilience, self-efficacy, decreased anxiety, and more happiness. This is a skill that needs practice and parents can be great role models. For instance, your child is sad to learn that his best friend isn’t in his new class. Acknowledge his feelings of disappointment, but point out the potential benefits (having a chance to develop other friendships, discover things in common with other people, enlarging social group, planning special outings with his bf). Your positive attitude will help him reframe his initial thoughts and subsequent feelings in a more hopeful manner.
Academically, students who are positive in their abilities and when they come across challenges fare much better. “Students who were positive about math tended to be more interested in it and were also more likely to practice it, and this positive perception towards math and their abilities resulted in enhanced memory and more efficient problem-solving” (How Maintaining a Positive Outlook Can Help Us Learn). To boost memory and performance, guide your kids in attitude. If your child gets stumped on a math problem, teach her to enthusiastically say, “Bring on the challenge!” She’ll be better able to cope and solve.
So while you’re stuffing those backpacks with pencils, folders, and dry-eraser markers, don’t forget about those emotional supplies that will last a lifetime.❤︎
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Jib, tack, trapping, beam reach, turtled, wing on wing…All jargon to me, but not to my teenagers. They teach me about the world of sailing, specifically racing 420s. They become the experts, showing me the ropes or knots of this sport. They take pride in knowing more than me and I let them take ownership of explaining the complexities, navigating the rules, and making sense of watching 65 boats on a race course at sea.
When was the last time your children taught you a skill? Now, my kids teach me many things each and every day such as patience and how many loads of laundry is possible with a family of five. But I’m talking about a tangible skill or facts that may amaze you or knowledge that you once knew but seem to forget quickly these days. Think of those preschoolers who memorize all the scientific names of dinosaurs or the rapid creation of a video game using code you don’t possibly fathom by your middle schoolers. Instead of overlooking the technicalities of their knowledge, celebrate it. Have them become the experts and teach you all that they know, well at least one area at a time. Take the passenger seat and try not to interject your ideas too often. Simply enjoy watching your child take pride, develop confidence, expand their expertise, work through problems, grow trust, and see the light in their eyes as they share what they love with you.
For the next few weeks, you’ll find me harborside throughout Cape Cod, binoculars in hand, cheering on two sailors waiting for them to come ashore and explain what I was even watching. The wind is in their sails ❤︎
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It’s 4:30am on a Saturday morning, still dark and much earlier than I typically write my entries. The smell of newly lit wood is beginning to linger in the air. Today’s menu…pork butt rubbed with a blend of paprika and brown sugar, corn pudding, and cole slaw. The chef…my 15 year old son. His new hobby is cooking on a smoker and he has truly developed a talent over the last few months. From brisket to sea bass (which he caught) to ribs to cheese-stuffed jalapenos, this kid is on fire!! And our family gets to savor his new skills.
Back in February, we headed to South to visit family. My brother has become engrossed in the world of smoking food, which I had little knowledge about. But my son took a huge interest in it (do I mention he’s eating nonstop these days!) and cooked side-by-side his uncle for one week straight. Fast forward to summer vacation and my brother was visiting us up North. Knowing that a smoke-off would ensue, my parents surprised my son with a smoker (technically theirs, yet fully knowing he would take ownership).
“Experts agree that having passionate interests in life improves your effectiveness and well-being.” 1 Hobbies are healthy!2 They build self-awareness, identity, confidence, a skill-set, curiosity, problem-solving, and eventual mastery. Fostering interests build connections between parents and children as well. We give support and enthusiasm while following their lead. Encouraging kids to try new things can ignite passions and careers later in life.
What do your kids like to do in their spare time? Do you notice a natural tendency in some area? Consider activities/interests available in your area. I do hope my son continues to develop his culinary interests for a very, very long time because I don’t mind washing dishes!
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Giving is innate for mothers. It’s essentially what we do and who we are. However, given the mundane nature of homemaking, women can become dissatisfied and unfulfilled, often forgetting what purpose there is in daily tasks. “What woman resents is not so much giving herself in pieces as giving herself purposelessly. What we fear is not so much that our energy may be leaking away through small outlets as that it may be going ‘down the drain'” (40).
Oxford defines homemaking as the creation of a home, especially as a pleasant place in which to live. What an honor to cultivate a loving, respectful, supportive environment for people you care most about. But it is hard work!! To be completely honest, I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. It was never how I envisioned my life, probably because I grew up with a single mother who worked full-time. We struggled financially when I was growing up and I knew putting myself through college and graduate school would provide a better life for myself and my family. Yet God had His own plans for me, which is usually how it goes. It took me years to embrace homemaking and realize the real purpose it holds, the breadth it encompasses, and my value within it.
“Purposeful giving is not as apt to deplete one’s resources; it belongs to that natural order of giving that seems to renew itself even in the act of depletion. The more one gives, the more one has to give” (41). With acknowledgment of usefulness, even without financial gain, mothers gain strength and replenish their sense of self. Homemaking is not a full-time job for all mothers, but we all need to see the immense worth in the care, time, and purposeful thought we heartfully dedicate to our families.
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Walking along the beach is my haven in the summer months. I used to feel it was selfish to steal a quiet stroll alone. But now I have come to understand that this solitude is a gift not just to myself, but for the ones I love.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s, Gift from the Sea, honestly discusses the huge demands placed on modern American women. While she hopes that we will learn to embrace simplicity, she also reminds us of the importance of being alone. Many of us have to re-learn what it means to even be alone as years have been given to juggling school, child rearing, careers, community service, and cultivating a home. “It is a difficult lesson to learn today-to leave one’s friends and family and deliberately practice the art of solitude for an hour or a day or a week…And yet, once it is done, I find there is a quality to being alone that is incredibly precious. Life rushes back into the void, richer, more vivid, fuller than before” (36).
Why do women especially find it hard to make time to be alone? Solitude can differ immensely from person to person both in quantity and in essence. I have created a new morning routine for myself over the past year. I’ve always been an early riser but now before I get up to accomplish my list of tasks, I deep breath for a few moments, then read my devotional. The positive affirmations shape my day, focus my mindset. In a way, I feel rejuvenated and excited to greet what is yet to come. But something so small took many, many, many years to start…why? It is the acknowledgment of the essentiality of making solitude a priority that needs to shift for mothers. No guilt. No excuses. Simply because it makes us better versions of ourselves. “Only when one is connected to one’s own core is one connected to others” (38). Now maybe that means making time for a daily workout, painting, going to yoga, gardening in your yard, walking in the woods, sipping tea before anyone else wakes up, journaling before turning off the lights for bed…find what soothes your soul. My 15-minute daily wakeup devotional is what I need, but maybe it’s one hour a day for you or one hour per week or even one weekend a year.
My husband and I have found it essential in our marriage to find time without the children. Even when he was a resident, money was scarce and we were away from family, he found a kind-hearted woman working in one of his clinics who would watch our babies one night a week for $5/hour. I recently reached out to her, 15 years later, and expressed my gratitude again as I reflected on what has helped my marriage remain strong…finding time to be alone even when life doesn’t seem to want to make that possible. Now that our kids are older, date night has come back regularly since we don’t need babysitters (what a treat in itself!). We also faithfully take a trip once a year, alone. Some years it will be a fancy vacation, while other times it’s just a weekend in the mountains or simply the kids staying over at Nana and Pa’s. With our 20-year anniversary next week, I know that our commitment to us as a couple has inevitably contributed to our happiness.
Mothers, you do not have to be walking alone among the sand dunes to find solitude; it is within reach every single day. Make a little time for only yourself, and in doing so, you are giving more to those you love.
Summer has always been a convenient time to get your home cleaned up, organized, and ready for the school year ahead. Marie Kondo’s, Spark Joy, really hit home as I value and take pride in the environment I create for my family. And it’s a fact…the more organized my home is, the better our family lives. We eat better when meals are planned ahead and there’s time left to prepare them! Our mornings are less rushed when lunches are prepacked, clothes laid out, and homework completed! We talk nicer to one another when there’s less stress too! And honestly, we have time to play and simply hang out together when life is organized, which means more happiness all around.
Don’t think Kondo’s only about folding clothes into small bundles that fit much better in your drawers. This book shows you how to organize your home and the rooms you live in rooms as well as your belongings so that you are happier. Less truly is more. Get those donation bins and trash bags out and spend some time figuring out what items you really can’t live without, the ones you truly use, and the ones that just make you smile.
Let’s get started! Put these 3 places on your MUST-DO list before school starts. Give yourself a day to tackle them all or space them out over a week. Whichever method you prefer or have time for, you’ll inevitably be more organized and less stressed before school starts.
Pantry
Time for a pantry overhaul!
*Get rid of expired items, almost empty boxes, and the snacks no one likes. Find a meal center to donate unopened food items.
*Empty the entire pantry and wipe down shelves.
*Collect baskets/bins from around your home or purchase matching baskets. Donate what you don’t need! Place specific snacks and food items together in the bins for easy retrieval. We keep a large snack bin stocked with prepackaged snacks for school lunches and afterschool activities. We also keep reusable water bottles as well as reusable mini-bags so that our pantry serves as a one-stop place for our kids to pack their own lunches. Maybe rethink where you store certain items in your kitchen to improve overall daily function. Having an organized,well-stocked pantry will help make mornings run smoother and happier!
2. Mudroom
I call the place where we store backpacks, jackets, shoes, etc. our mudroom. Ours is actually in the breezeway, which is a 3 season hallway that attaches to our garage (how I dream of a fully insulated, cubby-laden space, with slate floors, oh, and a doggy shower!), but it serves the purpose quite efficiently. Some people have a laundry room that serves as a mudroom space too.
*Try on shoes and coats and donate those that don’t fit or are not worn regularly. Season-specific garments can be placed in bins outside of the mudroom to make more room.
*Have designated hooks for each child as it makes it easier for them to hang up their coats/backpacks when they have a certain spot. Use large baskets or racks to keep shoes organized and in pairs!!
*Less is more, especially here. Only have available what you’ll use over the season.
3. Homework Area
An organized homework area with school-aged children benefits everyone! Some families have desks in each child’s room while others, like us, have a common space. We have an office that is used by all 5 of us. It only had one desk, however, we had a shelf built along one wall and voila, it became a desk space that fit two stools! It serves its purpose quite well and offers a quiet getaway when someone doesn’t want to do work at the kitchen table.
*Have a desk clean-out party! It feels so good to throw away old papers, stubs of pencils, and dried-out markers.
*Take inventory of what items are needed so you can start the year prepared.
*Gather small glasses, jars or vases to store writing implements, paperclips, and mini-post-it notes. Have bins for papers or file folders to keep the paper trail/assignments/projects in order.
*Hang a calendar! Even if your child uses a personal daily planner, I can’t urge enough the importance of having a clearly visible family calendar to record meetings, events, obligations, birthdays, extra-curriculas, etc. (I should do a separate post on this!). Color code it for each family member too!
*Make sure lighting is bright! Keep a few plants for better air quality!
This may seem like a lot but some work now will give your family huge benefits each day! And these 3 areas will typically motivate you to continue organizing other rooms…like the kids’ bedrooms!! Remember, less to clean, less to tidy, less to nag about, and much more JOY!
the Essentialist Family 