There’s something about lighthouses that attracts people…
Bold beacons guiding the way safely home.
Who’s the lighthouse in your life?
A Lighthouse
Category: parenting
Perfectly Imperfect
My friend, Lori, teasingly points out all the times I feel moments are, “Perfect.” How’s the weather? Perfect. How’s your coffee? Perfect. How’s vacation? Perfect. I didn’t realize how often I said it but then I thought about what it meant. The Oxford dictionary defines perfect as ‘having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.’ So when I am sitting on a beach, under an umbrella, watching my kids play in the water, the moment to me is perfect. Each of our own criteria for perfection differs so my ideal beach day may be a flop to you.
I realized I’m also quick to capture a perfect moment; not necessarily a whole day but a little snapshot, in the moment kind of way. I’ve come to appreciate those little things that truly are most important…when my husband grabs hold of my hand as we walk the dog through our neighborhood- prefect. When I see my youngest crocheting alongside her nana- prefect.
So, is my life perfect? Absolutely not!! I’m perfectly imperfect right alongside my perfectly imperfect children, husband, and dog. But all our perfectly imperfect moments make me cherish this one and unique life that has been given to me. And that is simply perfect!❤️
Midlife Reevaluation
I think I was about 45 when I started thinking about wanting a change in my life. I had been a home mom for 17 years. Actually, I never had planned or wanted to stay home but our situation evolved into that being the best plan for our growing family. My children were getting older, college was on the horizon and my role was changing. I was restless. What did I want to do? It was a time of reflection, an honest assessment of my strengths and areas to build on, as well as trying to determine what jobs were realistic during school hours. The more women I talk with about this time in our lives, the more I find I’m not alone. I hate to coin this time in my life as a midlife crisis because it was not a catastrophe. I viewed it as a period where my mom duties at home were shifting allowing new doors to open. Time was available to develop an identity beyond mother. What were my interests in my forties? How did I want to spend my time? For me, I didn’t necessarily want to start a career. Instead, I wanted to serve. I wanted a purpose to fill my days outside of my home. It was a sense of fulfillment I was seeking quite possibly because my nurturing persona wasn’t needed in the same way anymore. It’s been a few years since I started on this journey of reevaluation and while I did go back to work as a reading interventionist in an inner-city Catholic school, my soul is partially fulfilled. What I’ve come to acknowledge is that this journey is changing all the time, right alongside the metamorphosis of my almost 50-year-old self as well as my almost empty nester family. I have to stop myself from trying to have it figured out. Serving in my role works now but I’m flexible in that tomorrow it may not. What fulfills my heart in this moment, may leave it searching for different meaning next month. I’m not scared anymore. I’m not even restless. And this is quite a gift that midlife has brought. I’m content to explore opportunities, change my mind, and simply be. When your path diverges, where will you go? ❤︎
Hugs and More Hugs
My older two ❤️
We were away with another family when their daughter saw my two hugging and shockingly exclaimed, “You two hug?” Mine looked at one another surprisingly and replied, “Yeah!” I guess I take for granted that we’re an affectionate family. Brother hugs his sisters without prompting! Dad hugs both his son and daughters to show his love. We cuddle with our dog, curl up to next to one another while watching movies and my husband and I stroll hand in hand.
I actually felt sad my friend’s daughter doesn’t randomly hug her own brothers. No doubt they love each other but sometimes there’s nothing like a warm embrace from those you care most about.❤️
Encouraging Disagreement
Several years ago, I started a non-fiction book club among friends focusing on reading self-improvement books to simply better ourselves (that’s our motto!). This past spring, we read Think Again, by Adam Grant. Pack it into your beach bag because it’s a must-read on so many levels. As a parenting enthusiast, as I call my passion for becoming a better parent, I couldn’t help but appreciate the importance of creating a home environment where family members are encouraged to disagree. Yes, you heard this right…bring on the arguments! Well, wait a second. Kids need to be guided through how to voice their opinions in a constructive way, especially opinions that go against other’s views. It’s important that they learn to stand up for themselves in a safe place, gaining confidence to bring their voice into the larger world. “Being able to have a good fight doesn’t just make us more civil; it also develops our creative muscles” (80). Good debating skills allow us to make valid claims for our point while also acknowledging where the other side is coming from and at times, negating their theory with examples. Practice does make more effective disagreeing so don’t not fight in front of your kids. They need to see the working out, talking through, compromising, and changing one’s viewpoint in a realistic way. “Productive disagreement is a critical life skill,” says Grant. “Task conflict can be constructive when it brings diversity of thought…it can help us stay humble, surface doubts, and make us curious about what we can be missing. That can lead us to think again, moving us closer to the truth without damaging our relationships” (80). So, the next time you want to run into the bedroom and shut the door so your kids don’t hear you argue with your husband….think again!
Porch Time
Lazy summer days
Slowing down time
Savoring hours without a list
Board games
Iced coffee
Reading my favorite summer author
Simple moments spent with family & friends
Is This Really Complaint Worthy?
I can’t help but appreciate my children getting older and passing on wisdom to me. Recently, I was reminding my son to switch his clothes from the washer to the dryer. More accurately, I reminded him 4 times over an hour. Later that night, I commented that it was frustrating when he didn’t complete laundry in a timely manner. He paused, looked at me and asked, “Is this really complaint worthy?” Hmmmm. Did it annoy me to have wet clothes sitting in the washing machine? Absolutely, I’m a Type-A personality and like to promptly finish tasks. Did my 17 year old son take responsibility for cleaning his own clothes without a reminder? Yes. Did this extended chore negatively affect any other part of our day? No. Hence, he was right! One friendly reminder would have been sufficient if I needed to do laundry. But nagging him didn’t foster positive communication or build up our relationship. I thanked him for phrasing his feelings in a way that made me reflect on my own behavior. Now, I contemplate if something is complaint worthy before I make a parental suggestion, valuing our connection over insignificant criticizing. Thank you, son, for making me a better person.❤︎
*Photo: Zakynthos, Greece
Morning Coffee with a Friend…over the phone!
Several of my dearest friends live states away. We are lucky to see each other once a year if our schedules magically align. Yet we talk all the time! Saturday mornings I curl up in my office, coffee in hand, and catch up with these soul sisters. Connection is such an integral part of well-being, yet it can be hard to find time to do it. Between working, having 3 kids with their own schedules, and simply taking care of a home, it’s sometimes more work to schedule a coffee meetup. However, I yearned for this time with my SSs to laugh, complain, seek advice, reminisce, and just chat away about life. This hour, bright and early on Saturday mornings, is a highlight of my week…connecting with coffee fills my soul. ❤︎
*In case you are looking for a new read, one of my husband’s employees kindly passed on The Berry Pickers, by Amanda Peters…I couldn’t put it down!!! Thank you, Sue❤︎
**And the beautiful handpainted mug was a surprise from my oldest because I love hydrangeas.❤︎
Sparkling Surprise
My son and I were driving up to New Hampshire and started noticing the trees were glistening. Actually, it was as if they had fairy lights twinkling in daylight. The farther we drove, the more sparkling occurred. It was magical. It was pure delight. We giggled at how it was one of the most beautiful sights we’ve seen. We pulled off the highway to get a closer look. One-inch icicles hung from the branches, the air too cold for the drops to melt creating a brilliant light show as the sun’s rays danced on the frozen trees. A simple moment shared between mother and son that brought wonder and joy. Do you take time to drive off the road to get a closer look at sparkling surprises? It may be worth it.❤︎
A Simple Spring Pleasure
Spring in New England creates images of crocuses and daffodils emerging through the softening ground. Color begins to blanket the brown earth. How many times have I rushed by these sprouting flowers too busy to pause and enjoy? This spring I’ve turned it into a game for our family. Who can notice the most hyacinths on the way to school? What color tulips can you find? Who can make a bouquet to grace our kitchen table? It’s incredible to watch how pointing out something a few times can turn your brain into noticing it so much more! (I think about the ‘new’ car I discovered and soon enough I noticed it everywhere!) Ultimately, I hope my children will remember to pause for a moment to enjoy the beauty that’s all around, brightening their days with joy, renewal, and simplicity. ❤︎
Spring Renewal: Reimagine Your Living Space
The vernal equinox…The clock springs ahead, crocuses bloom, and spring cleaning begins! In my home, I begin to reimagine the spaces my family lives in the most. After spending a lot of time indoors over the winter months, I reflect on how we used our spaces. What worked well? Where do we spend the most time? How can I make the rooms more functional? Do we really use that piece of furniture or can I donate it? The burst of energy I get from longer days is invigorating! And I put it to good use in rethinking my home. My family may say otherwise…it most likely drives them crazy!! However, I have found that little changes can make big differences in our daily lives. Remember my post about moving our piano into our foyer (https://wordpress.com/post/theessentialistfamily.com/885)? Well, there’s no doubt my children are pretty good pianists because of that simple move! This year, I realized that no matter how hard I try to move bodies into our dining room, people always congregate in our kitchen, which I love but I have a casual dining room with a much bigger table and unusable space! Instead of fighting this constant scenario, I decided to move our large farmhouse dining room table into our kitchen. Now the space is smaller and the table is large but it totally works! Everyone loves it and gathers around this table, which makes my heart happy. As we prepare meals, have a snack, or entertain friends, we are all together more comfortably. Instead of standing around the kitchen, eight people can easily sit around the table and linger. A minor moving project, although my husband and son may disagree, has turned into a huge win for our family and friends…one big table to sit around sharing stories, laughing, enjoying meals, and simply being together.❤︎ Side thought….what do I do with the dining room?!
Take 5
Lots of things happen throughout the day. Sometimes it’s overwhelming…all the decisions that are being made, all the chores that need to be done, all the places that we need to go. For our kids, it’s the same feeling. Yet, we can take a few minutes to regroup, refocus, and regain our calm. For me, it’s waking up before anyone else to read Scripture and give thanks. At work, it’s closing my door and shutting my lights for a few moments of quiet. While making dinner, it’s putting on 2 CELLOS’ instrumental arrangements to soothe our souls as five of us come together bringing our collective days to the table. When we feel a bit restless or even frantic, we simply “Take 5” and then carry on with a lighter heart. Giving kids a technique that they can use with or without you present will empower them to calm their own spirits and positively refocus their moments. ❤︎
A New Year Inspired by Quotes
Happy 2024! How many New Year’s Resolutions have you broken or better yet, never started? Well, I have too many to count! This year I’m changing the habit and instead, will find inspiring quotes to guide my family each week.
What is an authentic self?
Who makes you feel happy when you are being real?
How can you shine in your own light?
Follow along each week as I share quotes that I post in my own home to encourage conversation, inspire action, and simply show love.❤︎
Look Me in the Eyes
I see roughly 40 students a day as a reading interventionist. As I welcome various groups into my classroom, I have a rule when they come to the door: they must make eye contact, choose a greeting, and give me a handshake, elbow pump, quick dance move or a hug. Guess what the hardest part of this routine is? Loooking me in the eyes when they say, “Good morning, Mrs. D.” Social etiquette is a skill that takes practice and midway through the school year, these kids are experts at it! They confidently wish me a “Good afternoon” as they firmly shake my hand and look me squarely in the eyes. While this takes all of 3 seconds, it’s a life skill that I hope they’ll carry with them every day when they interact with other adults. When was the last time you looked your own children lovingly into their eyes? And they back to you?
Book Takeway: Lighting Their Fires-Raising Extraordinary Children in a Mixed-up, Muddled-up, Shook-up World
March is National Reading Month so why not have a list of parenting books to have by your side for guidance, support and inspiration. This month’s blogs will focus on books I have on my shelf.❤︎
Rafe Esquith, a teacher in Los Angeles, takes you into the lives of his students and shows the importance of guiding children to become extraordinary. In his book, Lighting Their Fires-Raising Extraordinary Children in a Mixed-Up, Muddled-up, Shook-up World, he believes that children become extraordinary because of the people around them: their parents and teachers. The life skills, values and morals that are taught to these students are life-changing and contribute to them becoming successful adults. Makes sense, right?
At one point, he lists a variety of movies that parents and children can watch together that are thought-provoking. Curl up with a blanket, and watch some movies with your children that will leave you all asking questions about life, decision-making, and responsibilities. Guide your family in these conversations. Here are a few of Esquith’s movie suggestions:
*Groundhog Day-“After the film, take a moment to remind our children that life is not like this-we often have only one chance to do the right thing and need to take advantage of every opportunity.”
*The Time Machine– 1960s version of HG Wells’ novel-“Challenges a child to consider how our present knowledge might shape our future.”
*Our Town-Turn this into a family read then watch the movie-1977 version is great! Sometimes we realize “too late how little we appreciate the time we are given in this life…It’s an admirable goal to challenge students to love life, every, every minute.”
As your children get older, movies can provide a less-threatening way to bring up serious topics. You can take control of addressing concerning issues while making kids more easily engaged. Pop some popcorn and give movie night a new meaning….helping raise your extraordinary kids!
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the Essentialist Family 