There’s something about lighthouses that attracts people…
Bold beacons guiding the way safely home.
Who’s the lighthouse in your life?
A Lighthouse
Category: self-improvement
Midlife Reevaluation
I think I was about 45 when I started thinking about wanting a change in my life. I had been a home mom for 17 years. Actually, I never had planned or wanted to stay home but our situation evolved into that being the best plan for our growing family. My children were getting older, college was on the horizon and my role was changing. I was restless. What did I want to do? It was a time of reflection, an honest assessment of my strengths and areas to build on, as well as trying to determine what jobs were realistic during school hours. The more women I talk with about this time in our lives, the more I find I’m not alone. I hate to coin this time in my life as a midlife crisis because it was not a catastrophe. I viewed it as a period where my mom duties at home were shifting allowing new doors to open. Time was available to develop an identity beyond mother. What were my interests in my forties? How did I want to spend my time? For me, I didn’t necessarily want to start a career. Instead, I wanted to serve. I wanted a purpose to fill my days outside of my home. It was a sense of fulfillment I was seeking quite possibly because my nurturing persona wasn’t needed in the same way anymore. It’s been a few years since I started on this journey of reevaluation and while I did go back to work as a reading interventionist in an inner-city Catholic school, my soul is partially fulfilled. What I’ve come to acknowledge is that this journey is changing all the time, right alongside the metamorphosis of my almost 50-year-old self as well as my almost empty nester family. I have to stop myself from trying to have it figured out. Serving in my role works now but I’m flexible in that tomorrow it may not. What fulfills my heart in this moment, may leave it searching for different meaning next month. I’m not scared anymore. I’m not even restless. And this is quite a gift that midlife has brought. I’m content to explore opportunities, change my mind, and simply be. When your path diverges, where will you go? ❤︎
Encouraging Disagreement
Several years ago, I started a non-fiction book club among friends focusing on reading self-improvement books to simply better ourselves (that’s our motto!). This past spring, we read Think Again, by Adam Grant. Pack it into your beach bag because it’s a must-read on so many levels. As a parenting enthusiast, as I call my passion for becoming a better parent, I couldn’t help but appreciate the importance of creating a home environment where family members are encouraged to disagree. Yes, you heard this right…bring on the arguments! Well, wait a second. Kids need to be guided through how to voice their opinions in a constructive way, especially opinions that go against other’s views. It’s important that they learn to stand up for themselves in a safe place, gaining confidence to bring their voice into the larger world. “Being able to have a good fight doesn’t just make us more civil; it also develops our creative muscles” (80). Good debating skills allow us to make valid claims for our point while also acknowledging where the other side is coming from and at times, negating their theory with examples. Practice does make more effective disagreeing so don’t not fight in front of your kids. They need to see the working out, talking through, compromising, and changing one’s viewpoint in a realistic way. “Productive disagreement is a critical life skill,” says Grant. “Task conflict can be constructive when it brings diversity of thought…it can help us stay humble, surface doubts, and make us curious about what we can be missing. That can lead us to think again, moving us closer to the truth without damaging our relationships” (80). So, the next time you want to run into the bedroom and shut the door so your kids don’t hear you argue with your husband….think again!
Changing Perspective or Simply Looking a Different Way
Each morning, I strive to have quiet time reading my devotional. I created a cozy nook in my bedroom with a chair and side table. The chair was positioned with a view of my side yard where I could see a beautiful hydrangea bloom in warmer months.
However, it is newly spring and foliage is nonexistent so I stare are my neighbor’s garage. This is not the view that complements my morning mediations. I really didn’t want to move my comfy spot to another part of the house so what if I turned the chair to look out the same window but in the opposite direction?
Indeed, it worked! A white picket fence offsets the greenery of pines, while a red cardinal perches on bare branches. I could almost imagine I was in a forest, not a suburban neighborhood. Interesting that simply looking a different way could instantly change my perspective. What a good reminder!❤︎
Is This Really Complaint Worthy?
I can’t help but appreciate my children getting older and passing on wisdom to me. Recently, I was reminding my son to switch his clothes from the washer to the dryer. More accurately, I reminded him 4 times over an hour. Later that night, I commented that it was frustrating when he didn’t complete laundry in a timely manner. He paused, looked at me and asked, “Is this really complaint worthy?” Hmmmm. Did it annoy me to have wet clothes sitting in the washing machine? Absolutely, I’m a Type-A personality and like to promptly finish tasks. Did my 17 year old son take responsibility for cleaning his own clothes without a reminder? Yes. Did this extended chore negatively affect any other part of our day? No. Hence, he was right! One friendly reminder would have been sufficient if I needed to do laundry. But nagging him didn’t foster positive communication or build up our relationship. I thanked him for phrasing his feelings in a way that made me reflect on my own behavior. Now, I contemplate if something is complaint worthy before I make a parental suggestion, valuing our connection over insignificant criticizing. Thank you, son, for making me a better person.❤︎
*Photo: Zakynthos, Greece
Morning Coffee with a Friend…over the phone!
Several of my dearest friends live states away. We are lucky to see each other once a year if our schedules magically align. Yet we talk all the time! Saturday mornings I curl up in my office, coffee in hand, and catch up with these soul sisters. Connection is such an integral part of well-being, yet it can be hard to find time to do it. Between working, having 3 kids with their own schedules, and simply taking care of a home, it’s sometimes more work to schedule a coffee meetup. However, I yearned for this time with my SSs to laugh, complain, seek advice, reminisce, and just chat away about life. This hour, bright and early on Saturday mornings, is a highlight of my week…connecting with coffee fills my soul. ❤︎
*In case you are looking for a new read, one of my husband’s employees kindly passed on The Berry Pickers, by Amanda Peters…I couldn’t put it down!!! Thank you, Sue❤︎
**And the beautiful handpainted mug was a surprise from my oldest because I love hydrangeas.❤︎
Spring Renewal: Reimagine Your Living Space
The vernal equinox…The clock springs ahead, crocuses bloom, and spring cleaning begins! In my home, I begin to reimagine the spaces my family lives in the most. After spending a lot of time indoors over the winter months, I reflect on how we used our spaces. What worked well? Where do we spend the most time? How can I make the rooms more functional? Do we really use that piece of furniture or can I donate it? The burst of energy I get from longer days is invigorating! And I put it to good use in rethinking my home. My family may say otherwise…it most likely drives them crazy!! However, I have found that little changes can make big differences in our daily lives. Remember my post about moving our piano into our foyer (https://wordpress.com/post/theessentialistfamily.com/885)? Well, there’s no doubt my children are pretty good pianists because of that simple move! This year, I realized that no matter how hard I try to move bodies into our dining room, people always congregate in our kitchen, which I love but I have a casual dining room with a much bigger table and unusable space! Instead of fighting this constant scenario, I decided to move our large farmhouse dining room table into our kitchen. Now the space is smaller and the table is large but it totally works! Everyone loves it and gathers around this table, which makes my heart happy. As we prepare meals, have a snack, or entertain friends, we are all together more comfortably. Instead of standing around the kitchen, eight people can easily sit around the table and linger. A minor moving project, although my husband and son may disagree, has turned into a huge win for our family and friends…one big table to sit around sharing stories, laughing, enjoying meals, and simply being together.❤︎ Side thought….what do I do with the dining room?!
Take 5
Lots of things happen throughout the day. Sometimes it’s overwhelming…all the decisions that are being made, all the chores that need to be done, all the places that we need to go. For our kids, it’s the same feeling. Yet, we can take a few minutes to regroup, refocus, and regain our calm. For me, it’s waking up before anyone else to read Scripture and give thanks. At work, it’s closing my door and shutting my lights for a few moments of quiet. While making dinner, it’s putting on 2 CELLOS’ instrumental arrangements to soothe our souls as five of us come together bringing our collective days to the table. When we feel a bit restless or even frantic, we simply “Take 5” and then carry on with a lighter heart. Giving kids a technique that they can use with or without you present will empower them to calm their own spirits and positively refocus their moments. ❤︎
A New Year Inspired by Quotes
Happy 2024! How many New Year’s Resolutions have you broken or better yet, never started? Well, I have too many to count! This year I’m changing the habit and instead, will find inspiring quotes to guide my family each week.
What is an authentic self?
Who makes you feel happy when you are being real?
How can you shine in your own light?
Follow along each week as I share quotes that I post in my own home to encourage conversation, inspire action, and simply show love.❤︎
Sensing Beauty
I boarded the Island Queen Ferry from Falmouth to Martha’s Vineyard. A friend from home was renting there so we decided to have a Girl’s Day of wandering the quaint streets, visiting Edgartown Books and then eating at Behind the Books cafe (so cute and delicious), and simply catching up on life. The 9am ferry was crowded on this bluebird morning and a pair of older couples were sitting in front of me, chatting excitedly about their first visit to the island, reminiscent of kids in a candy store. There is something magical about the journey across Vineyard Sound instantly transporting you to another world of calm, tranquility, and natural beauty. Upon departure, this group of friends unsuccessfully tried to take a selfie. Overhearing their frustration, I offered to capture the moment. I then realized one of the women was blind, her white cane propped on the empty seat next to her. The travelers graciously thanked me as I teetered back to my seat. The wind picked up, blowing my hair recklessly and I turned my face toward to warm sun. The shore was dotted with grey-washed clapboard cottages shrinking out of sight. The water was glistening so ferociously that I had to squint. Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, I wondered if this blind woman was able to feel what I was feeling even though she wasn’t seeing the same view. A feeling of sadness swept through me as I thought she was missing out on my experience. Who was I to judge that my eyes gave me more in this world? As I glanced over, her head was raised toward the rays of light, eyes closed yet turned up on the edges hinting at the serene smile dressing her face. The beauty of this moment was felt and savored by both of us with our whole bodies, a wordless understanding of the majesty and adventures lying ahead.
Book TakeAway: Sweet Jesus, is it June Yet?
Once a teacher, always a teacher. A true educator has an innate desire to make this world a better place by teaching our children, who will be our future. I believe this mission takes a toll with never-ending responsibilities, increasing academic demands, managing behavioral and psychological challenges facing most children, and trying to appease parents, administrators and politicians alike. Yet, teachers preserve. Their purposeful work is a compass, guiding them to bring knowledge, curiosity, compassion and empathy to a younger generation. However, this is hard! Teachers are human, fallible, and exhausted. How can we help recharge their enthusiasm, rediscover their passion, and further their commitment?
Sweet Jesus, is it June Yet? by Amy J. Cattapan, helps educators find solace, motivation and inspiration through a higher purpose. Her own experience with teacher burnout is real and she honestly shares how she found peace and wisdom through the Bible. “Sometimes I think that I can only be successful if there are no thorns in my side. If the path is totally clear and I have no cause to stumble, then all will be well. However, that’s not true. Thorns grow. Stumbling blocks appear. Doors are slammed in my face. The good news is that we need not worry. God’s grace is enough to get us through it. In fact, the Lord told St. Paul that ‘power is made perfect in weakness.’ So the next time you feel discouraged because your teaching isn’t going as smoothly as you’d like, remember that God’s grace will be enough to get you through it” (106).
For my fellow teachers, please remind yourself of the gift you have and the talents are you giving your students.
You are a servant leader.
Remember your purpose.
Don’t be hard on yourself.
We all make mistakes.
Take 1 day at a time.
Learn from your students.
Ask for help.
Build friendships within your school walls.
Be a voice for change.
Stay positive.
Make time for yourself!
Connect with your students.
Plant seeds that may grow in the years to come.
Trust in God.
It’s not surprising that most educators start counting down the end of the school year months before it arrives! “I wanted to endure whatever trials might come my way as an educator with a humility based on kindness and compassion, and a strength that comes from knowing who you are” (135). This will be one of the toughest jobs we’ll ever have but one of the most rewarding. And while in unison we pray, “Sweet Jesus, is it June Yet?” we’ll garner the strength, patience, wisdom and grace to continue opening new cartons of crayons, organizing bookshelves, and color-coding literacy centers, with our faith guiding the way.
Spring into a Time Makeover: Discovering How Much Time You Really DO Have
Spring is a time for renewal, to refresh and start again. I chose my book club’s spring read, 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think by Laura Vanderkam, to bring about life change to simply revive in this season. WOW! That’s all I can say…WOW! How many of us constantly complain that we don’t have enough time in the day to accomplish the things we need to nevertheless less the things we want to do? Vanderkam honestly makes readers pause, reflect and examine how we utilize our time. But here’s the warning…. You need to be utterly HONEST with yourself to get an accurate picture of how you spend your 24 hours per day, 168 hours per week. And trust me, it’s easier said than done.
Vanderkam offers a Time Management Worksheet as a useful tool to record your daily activities in 15minute increments. Sounds like a large undertaking, right? However, the time is well worth it. Think of it as a log to visually track everything you do on a typical day. She does recommend tracking for an entire week as weekends will bring on different schedules. In addition, some days will inevitably pop up atypical appointments, last minute emergencies, and sicknesses that alter your plans. I’ll be completely upfront and admit I didn’t fulfill a week’s worth of tracking but I did get much insight. What was personally most helpful, was logging my activities at the end of a month to see what changes I had in fact made…this is what I recommend!
Bottom line is that 168 Hours shows how you choose to spend your time whether working, carpooling, playing with your kids, or completing house work. It shines light on what you think matters most compared to how much time you actually spend on the most important things or people. Time can get away from us with busy lives, work and responsibilities, but 168 allows us to reexamine our lives and help us make conscious choices that better align with our goals, core competencies and happiness.
Leading a full life is what most of us aspire to. Having a happy family life, purposeful work, meaningful social connections, serving others, prioritizing faithful endeavors and making time to relax or enjoy hobbies is what we strive for. While the exact component of what defines a full life will vary from person to person, the greater idea is the same. What a time overhaul does is show you exactly where you are logging hours, wasting minutes, and underutilizing yourself. What we think we are doing may very well not be happening. For instance, volunteering has always been important to me. I selectively choose which organizations I support but when I looked at my weekly commitments, I realized they were inconsistent. Projects come and go but I don’t have a regular volunteer obligation, which I realize I enjoy…it fulfills me. So scheduling 2 hours per week to help my causes made my life more full!
Starting with a blank slate is invigorating! You are the designer of your life. You fill in the slots with what you choose to do. “You build a life where you really can have it all” (24). You decide how to spend your time doing more of the things that are fulfilling and ones you are passionate about. You choose what is not important in this season of life and make time for things and people who are. If your priority is playing more with your children, block time do that each and every day. Gracefully decline a PTO meeting that you can get the agenda to, or cancel a golf outing you are secretly dreading. If it’s not a priority, get comfortable with saying, “No!” Turn off your phone for 45 minutes so you can play board games, shoot hoops, or take a bike ride together. Make dinner the meal you get home for each night, connect through conversation, share laughs, jokes and stories. This small part of your day may immensely strengthen your bonds while fulfilling your priority to family time.
Vanderkam reminds us that we each have core competencies-things we are naturally good at. It’s most effective and satisfying when our work aligns with these competencies (This will be another blog post!). “You should do what you love and you should love what you do,” says Harvard professor Teresa Amabile (58). While that all sounds idealist, it can and should happen. Again, that may take time for some of us who aren’t living out that dream job. Yet small changes can create a job more consistent with your ideals. Really look at how much actual time is spent on job related tasks. How many employees think they work 40 hours a week, but spend closer to 30? Checking personal emails, taking coffee breaks, scheduling doctor appointments don’t count as work so be honest about your time. If you discover more time, try spending it on pursuing ways to make your current employment more fulfilling, consider alternative careers or even spend it on other time-deficient areas. The time is yours so do with it what will brings you life’s satisfaction and purposeful work. Happiness follows when we are productive, purposeful, and honestly ourselves.
I find happiness is easier to achieve when I have help with mundane, household responsibilities. I consciously remind myself of how cleaning my house creates a calm, organized environment for my children to feel safe and comfortable in. Would I rather outsource that job? Absolutely! And we have in the past. But my husband is firm in his commitment to raising self-sufficient teens and keeping rooms dusted and vacuumed, bathrooms scrubbed, and laundry folded, neatly away is his way of helping them be grateful for what they have and responsible for continual upkeep. Yet looking at how much time I still spend making doctor appointments, weeding the garden beds, and food shopping, I do wonder how I can hire others to help. Vanderkam has someone do her laundry, but I’m not sure that will work for me. However, that’s a conversation my husband and I will have as we prioritize our time and finances to reach more of the life we want.
One of the eye-opening parts of this time makeover was ‘seeing’ that we do have more time for leisurely pursuits than originally thought. Most of us want more leisure time but when it comes, we don’t know what to do or instead, just veg on the couch. Instead, this is the time to pursue the hobby you’ve been putting off, joining the knitting group, book club, taking skiing lessons, playing the cello, or training for a half-marathon. This somewhat gifted time is really important to our overall well-being so make it happen….schedule it and don’t make an excuse to get rid of it! Will it be hard to change your habit of falling onto the couch after a long day at work? Perhaps. However, you’ll be amazed at how your happiness increases when you start making time to do meaningful activities that nurture your soul.
“Broadly, figure out what hours you would like to be working, sleeping, nurturing your family and friends, and nurturing yourself” (221). Take back your 168 hours to create the life you want and deserve. No shame. No guilt. Spring into change and refresh your life, one minute at a time.
Organizing Brings Happiness and Less Complaining
I like to organize! I like to have a place for everything. My daughters have followed in my footsteps, but my son, not so much. We are heading into Lent and cleaning our home is part of our preparedness. This year, my 10yr old has been watching The Home Edit so our home is going through some major re-organization! It first started with my daughter’s room. I spent way too much on clear drawer containers so she could roll her clothes into neat, small bundles. Hours upon hours later she surfaced with a huge smile of accomplishment. She purged bags of clothes that did not fit, hammy downs that she would not wear, and trinkets that were long over due to be tossed. She gained 2 empty drawers, which she stored her hair accessories and jewelry so that the top of her dressers were free from clutter. WOW! I was amazed. Her happiness was contagious and soon we were on to tackle the kitchen pantry.
A trip to our local Home Goods shocked the cashier as she inquired what we could possibly do with all those bins! Honestly, the kitchen project took me a few days to mentally process before we began because I knew it would temporarily disrupt our daily lives. But with her enthusiasm gleaming, we jumped in. I even put a coat of glossy white paint on the shelves since it hadn’t been done in years! Together we sorted, color matched, and rearranged the most highly utilized part of our kitchen. And it is glorious! Something as simple as putting school snacks in a clear bin within easy reach makes mornings that much smoother! Moving nuts to the middle shelf within eye sight allows them to be chosen as a snack more often! Up went the pasta to the top shelf simply because I need to eat less pasta…and it worked! Who would have imagined organizing a pantry would make everyone in our home happier? Even my husband keeps saying he LOVES opening the doors as it looks pretty.
Why stop there? Kitchen drawers were my project one afternoon. My daughter tackled her bathroom closet. Then came refrigerator. Again, it’s incredible what a few clear bins can do to transform a space. We reimagined where food items could go and started with a clean slate. Veggies and fruit came out of the built-in produce drawers and we sorted them by color in the easy to reach middle of the fridge. Breads went into the drawers so they aren’t seen as easily or eaten as frequently. And guess what? We’ve been flying through our fruits and veggies simply because they are front and center. And when you sort by color, they look so nice!
Honestly, all I can say is start organizing the most used parts of your home right now! Think of your kitchen, mudroom, bedrooms, bathrooms. Take your time though…make it a month long project. Keep in mind, if you drag it on too long it won’t get done. Divide tasks, rooms and roles to make it a family affair. Plus, the more hands who contribute, the more ownership they’ll have and will aim to keep it organized along the way. And when people can find things, there’s less complaining, smoother mornings and bedtimes, less chaos, and fewer inquires of where things are. And that makes mom simple happier. ❤︎
If you enjoyed this post, follow my blog for more tips and thoughts on being an Essentialist Family….Simply Happier❤︎
Lauri
For inspiration check out: https://thehomeedit.com/
Pick Up the Phone!
I spoke with one my oldest friends this morning. The conversation lasted 1 hour and 4minutes. And let me tell you…the time flew by! While this is not typical, I thoroughly enjoyed spending time catching up about our children, hearing about upcoming birthday celebrations, talking through doctor appointments, devising strategies to deal with child organization, discussing which volunteering commitments give us joy, what we ate for breakfast and when we were making time for our workout routines. While she was on speaker, I emptied the dishwasher and refilled it, did 2 loads of laundry, tidied the kitchen, walked the dog and ate breakfast. This multi-tasking morning while conversing with a dear friend was just what we both needed. Our socio-emotional well-being increased tenfold!
Then I go to wondering how often my teens pick up the phone and talk to friends? RARELY!!! And it shocks me because it’s so nice to chat with friends and I don’t mean to chat via text but actually hear their voices, listen and feel their excitement in happy moments, and verbally console when disappointment strikes. I encourage my kids to call their friends yet they hardly do. “No one does that, mom” they firmly state. But why not? They should! Aren’t we trying to raise competent, contributing citizens? Well, they will in fact need to communicate effectively with others and not just by texting! Let’s encourage our kids to pick up the phone and start calling their friends and let’s go out on a limb and add extended family members.
My 10yr old talks every single day to my mother on the phone. And not just with me urging her to dial. She asks to use my phone to call or Facetime and they can talk for 20-30 minutes strong. She has become such a great conversationalist too! Because there can be awkward moments of silence… how does she break that? You can get stuck on what to discuss…so what else can you talk about? Some topics can be boring or uncomfortable…so how do you change course? All these skills are being developed by simply taking with Nana! So, let’s hand over our phones or start encouraging our kids to press the green Call button to talk it up! Their future selves will thank us 🙂
Relax, Release
Take a deep breath in. Hold 1,2,3. Slowly, let it out. Relax your heart. Release.
My youngest daughter has a “worry” brain. That’s how we’ve come to name her anxiety ridden thought processes that weigh her down. It has been a struggle to have her ease her worries to live in a more calm, happy state. Some days are better than others, especially as she learns strategies to help. Maturity as well as the ability to verbalize her feelings, tiggers and concerns facilitates in getting her emotions under control.
The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself, by Michael Singer, is my most recent read in a genre I don’t typically grab. Yet, I loved it! There’s truth of going outside your comfort zone to experience joy in unexpected ways. As I dove into this journey of self-discovery, I realized that “if you protect yourself perfectly, you will never grow”(61). I couldn’t help but think of my daughter. I can’t protect her from troubling situations but I can guide her in how she copes. “Events don’t determine whether or not you’re going to be happy. They’re just events. You determine whether or not you’re going to be happy…if you can live this way, your heart will be so open and your Spirit will be so free, that you will soar up to the heavens (143). Simply, keep an open heart. When negativity, frustration, or disappointment arise, relax your heart and let these feelings flow freely through. Release the negativity. Try it! Because you know what? You will feel better. But it takes deliberate practice, self-awareness, and time. “Eventually you will see that the real cause of problems is not life itself. It is the commotion the mind makes about life that really causes problems” (10). And this is what I want to show my daughter…her mind is creating chaos. When she reframes the situation and renames her feelings, she is empowered and her outlook shifts. “That which is holding you down can become a powerful force that raises you up” (79).
7:15am. Bedside, I nudge my daughter from sleep. Eyes slowly open and then instantaneously turn red, watery, filling with tears. Not even 10 seconds have gone by since awakening. “What is it, my love?” I ask. “I have MAP testing,” she whimpers. Together, we took a deep breath in. Hold 1,2,3. Slowly, let it out. Relax your heart. Release. Out went the negative feelings. In came relief. She got up and started her day, tears drying up, a smile emerging. As Singer says, “You live in love and it feeds you and strengthens you” (57). ❤︎
the Essentialist Family 